I have sorely neglected this blog. I am bad at logging in and just typing words… how sway?! When I last updated this blog I had just had my son, he is now 2! Sheesh. Forgive me. So many things have happened that is ridiculous to EVEN try to mention them right now. I have finished yet ANOTHER degree! So that’s ONE thing. I have been on a new job for a year (so MUCH travel). I STILL haven’t found my purpose AND I have decided to get sisterlocks! NOW I am SOOOOOOO excited about that!! Thus, this blog will be devoted to following my journey with sisterlocks and finding myself again. I promise it won’t be 2 years before I post again. I promise, pinky swear.
As an educator I have seen a LOT, and in my case not too much of it good unfortunately. I feel for these children that are coming up. We are raising a generation of weak willed, faster-than-the microwave generation. They (not all) want it now, without the wait or the struggle; and it seems like the administrator’s, policy-makers, parents, and EVERYONE else who has YET to step foot into a class room and TEACH or TEACH again is hell bent on giving them what they want. NO accountability. NO responsibility, NO idea how to even SPELL those two words. But have the AUDACITY to tell me what I can and cannot do as an educator. WTH?! I am sure that with the budget cuts, limited funds, money from my family’s mouth to spend on someone else, I should just SIT back and bask in paradise. Le’Sigh. What are we showing the children world. Who will take care of us when we eventually get old (if we make it). What will happen to them when they enter the wolf-laden workforce. Where all the sheep have fangs. Who’s going to separate the special education population from the general education fry maker? Seeing as how I teach elementary special education AND college courses, I have encountered the same student in each level. Grown college degree seeking individuals who cannot write, nor seem to follow basic instructions. Students with NO, I REPEAT, NO critical thinking skills. Where have we gone wrong? I am shocked and appalled at the FACT that the powers that be THINK we are in a better situation than we were just 10 years ago. Ask any college level professor that has been teaching for at least that amount of time and has witnessed the comings and goings of what we produce her in the Lovely U.S of A. and I am sure they will spit explicative s in your face. The FACEBOOK, TWITTER, INSTAGRAM generation has taken over with NO life skills, NO business skills, but EVERYBODY wants to be rich and famous. Well Let’s just say good for them there is more than one way to land your 15 minutes o’fame…….Yes. I am shaking my head.
I’ve never really known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The baby born with meningitis and a brain tumor, who spent six months in the hospital connected to tubes and wires. I’ve never known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The six-year-old that was molested by a friend of her mother’s while she was being baby sat. Though she wished it were a dream she knew it was all too real. I’ve never really known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The 14-year-old that had a baby because she could never tell anyone about the 6-year-old that was molested by a friend of her mother’s while she was being baby sat. I’ve never quite known who I was. I’ve never really known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. Gave up my youthful identity to the world to be a mother to the baby that I had. I’ve never quite known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The 21-year-old with a 7-year-old child who had just lost the love of her life because neither one of them were bold enough to tell others that this is where they wanted to be. I’ve never known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The young lady that looked for love though she never really knew what it was. Trying to find that very thing that she had never been privy to. I’ve never really known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The 30-year-old that found herself longing for a life she never knew. Dreaming of faraway places and Unfamiliar faces. I’ve never known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. The mother, the wife, the worker, the friend, the lover, the sister, the confidant. The Strong independent one. For so long, I let the world tell me who I should be. When they said I was loud I quieted down. When they said I was too quite. I roared like a lion. I’ve never really known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. I embraced the angry-ness in me. The joker. The one that always tried to brighten up the situation, but could never quite put a finger on the true essence of me. I’ve never quite known who I was. I have ALWAYS been the sum of my parts. The evangelist without a call. The child with no home. The searcher, the seeker for truth, the dream catcher. I have NEVER really known who I was. I have always been the sum of my parts. As the sum of my parts get bigger and bigger I lose myself more and more. I have always been the sum of my parts and I still can’t see who I am. Hopefully before I die, I will find who I REALLY am and the sum of my parts will make more sense.
I have never really thought about why I blog. As a challenge to have a better blog in 30 days I am to introduce myself and tell why I blog. Those may be hard things to accomplish. But here is a start. My name is Marcia R. Chaffin Brown. Yes. Long. I know. I wanted to keep my family name while honoring my husband and I didn’t really want to hyphenate. I think I may drop the R. and just use Chaffin as my middle name. ( I followed the Rabbit wayy too far). Anywho. I blog to get my thoughts out, to share my story, my testimony, my life, from my perspective. (It would be kinda hard to share MY life from someone else perspective, wouldn’t it?) I could journal this, but I am better with typing and I feel that if my struggle, my triumphs, my up’s and down’s help just one person I have accomplished my goal. So far I have written about the birth of my son and my feelings towards that and going back to work. I have written a little about my past and present. I think this blog will just be a mish mash of all things important to me. As time goes on I am sure though that it will get more insightful and thought-provoking. Until then…. I will just write, to escape the words in my head, to put my heart on paper (well screen) to connect to the world (even if it is a tiny one right now). I hope to connect to poets, and dreamers, and mothers, and fathers and those that have lived a life that hasn’t been a crystal stair, but they are still making the best of it and loving it. I hope to eventually find me. I have never really known who I was. I have always only been the sum of my parts. Am I doing this assignment backwards? HECK YES! THAT my friends is the story of my life! Hope you will join me for this crazy ride. If I successfully complete this and blog for all of 2014 I hope to have established friendships (virtual and real) with other blogger and I hope to have inspired others to blog. You never know who your crazy life may help. I am SURE I should add a picture, BUT I don’t have one. so until next time….
In the last few weeks I have been really emotional, irritable, discontent and just plain strange. If anyone has noticed they’ve said nothing. They probably think I will snap. I’m sure they’ve chalked it up to postpartum hormones and initially so did I. However, after a pretty disturbing dream and an even more disturbing interpretation I realized that I have changed. I’ve lost myself or what I thought was myself. I’ve come to realize that I have never known who I was. Enter stage left: identity crises. I’ve been a mother since I was 14. Because I was raised to be responsible I took that role on with FULL FORCE. That left me little time to find me. The truest me, that person I am on the deepest level. I went to school and work to provide for my child NOT to fulfill lifelong dreams. I realize now I had none. I’d stopped dreaming. Oh I HAD wishes- I wanted to sing, to write, to travel the world. To help others, to give of myself until there was nothing left, To preach, to evangelize, to do GREAT things for Christ, to see my name in lights. But none of that led to action, I didn’t want the dream badly enough. In the guise of doing it for my daughter I pushed my wants to the background and existed. Now having been a student ALL my life, a semi – scholar, a homeowner, a wife and a mother again in the span of three years I am once again searching for ME. The me that makes me me. Not the face I show myself or others but ME. I love my family and I want so much more for us. I KNOW there is more. BUT in order to find/receive that more I MUST find my identity. I am terrified of leaving this world having not left a lasting legacy. Not having taught my children to live the life The Creator ordained for them, to search and seek after truth, beauty and fulfillment. I’m scared to leave without finding it myself. I don’t want to leave knowing I hadn’t loved my husband with the truest me and having not given my family the opportunity to see me live my purpose and passion. The problem? : I don’t know that woman.
And I CAN’T live with that. I guess it’s time to get to work.
Until next time.