In the last few weeks I have been really emotional, irritable, discontent and just plain strange. If anyone has noticed they’ve said nothing. They probably think I will snap. I’m sure they’ve chalked it up to postpartum hormones and initially so did I. However, after a pretty disturbing dream and an even more disturbing interpretation I realized that I have changed. I’ve lost myself or what I thought was myself. I’ve come to realize that I have never known who I was. Enter stage left: identity crises. I’ve been a mother since I was 14. Because I was raised to be responsible I took that role on with FULL FORCE. That left me little time to find me. The truest me, that person I am on the deepest level. I went to school and work to provide for my child NOT to fulfill lifelong dreams. I realize now I had none. I’d stopped dreaming. Oh I HAD wishes- I wanted to sing, to write, to travel the world. To help others, to give of myself until there was nothing left, To preach, to evangelize, to do GREAT things for Christ, to see my name in lights. But none of that led to action, I didn’t want the dream badly enough. In the guise of doing it for my daughter I pushed my wants to the background and existed. Now having been a student ALL my life, a semi – scholar, a homeowner, a wife and a mother again in the span of three years I am once again searching for ME. The me that makes me me. Not the face I show myself or others but ME. I love my family and I want so much more for us. I KNOW there is more. BUT in order to find/receive that more I MUST find my identity. I am terrified of leaving this world having not left a lasting legacy. Not having taught my children to live the life The Creator ordained for them, to search and seek after truth, beauty and fulfillment. I’m scared to leave without finding it myself. I don’t want to leave knowing I hadn’t loved my husband with the truest me and having not given my family the opportunity to see me live my purpose and passion. The problem? : I don’t know that woman.
And I CAN’T live with that. I guess it’s time to get to work.
Until next time.