Monthly Archives: January 2014

It’s been a while. ….back to work woes

I underestimated just how difficult going back to work would be.  I am not a big fan of my job as is and having to leave my baby to go back to a job I am less than positive about seems sacrilegious. I feel like I am somehow selling out, like it would be less of a blow to my boy if I were going somewhere where I was living out my passion, making more of a difference and being more effective.  I’ve gone back to complete and utter chaos and old destructive habits and patterns. Man those things die HARD and they don’t go down without a fight. I feel like I’m taking blows of negativity from all sides. I Am in DESPERATE need of change.  Starting with self. I can’t stay the way I am and see results.  This I know all too well.  It’s indeed hard to teach an old dog new tricks.  Problem is, I KNOW the tricks but I’m too lazy/hardhead/”entitled” to go through the steps and do the work.  I have to ask myself “Girl hell do you Really WANT to change?”….I wonder if I will be honest with myself.

THAT is as hard as taking the first step.

Until next time.
Be Bold be blessed be beautifully you.

Fluid.

Fluid Imagery

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Way behind the baby learning curve. What I WASN’T told and DIDN’T know!

Although these past 8 weeks have flown by and I am no where close to being ready to leave my baby and go back to work; I have learned some VERY valuable lessons about life, birth babies, parenting and the truth.
One would think that I KNEW these things ahead of time seeing as how I have a 20 year old.  The truth of the matter is. ..you are NEVER fully prepared for a baby… I don’t care how many you are crazy enough to have…

Here is my list of the things I knew, thought I knew, and what nobody cared to mention…..(meant to be humorous)

#1….baby 1 and baby 2 may not even remotely act like kin. ( knew that didn’t know HOW different they would be)

#2 if you have a “good” first or second baby there WILL inevitably be a little minion thrown in the mix to mess up your good luck the next time. They may not be the devil incarnate but they WILL come close.

#3 Babies cry…I mean I knew that But some babies cry A LOT….and a lot of times the reason is as elusive as whatever object they are looking at on the wall/ceiling/behind your back….

#4 Babies REALLY like their mommas. Now granted some babies come out the womb with a Jesus gene and just love everyone they come in contact with.  Others….. think you are guilty as sin until THEY prove otherwise and momma of course is Mommy almighty and they shalt not let her out of their sight (even if they can only see 1 foot in front of them).

#5 Babies DON’T automatically like daddy. Yes he is the love of YOUR Life but to them he is some random dude that keeps trying to feed them and put them to bed. AND they are not having that. (See #4 for the reason).

#6 Gestation Really lasts an extra 3 months. Babies have been inside a well insulated temperature controlled environment that is loud and cozy. They have listened to the melodious sounds of mommy’s body and have done pretty much WHAT EVER they want. Fact is EVEN though they come out they ARE not ready to give that up. Be prepared to try to spend all your coins recreating that environment so you and baby can get some sleep.

#7 THEY are the boss…and what you want, need and all that jazz don’t matter no mo!…..Period. At least until you are able to take your boss dom back!

There is more that I’ve learned but I can’t remember what right now….which leads me to

#8…That pregnancy brain lasts a long time….you WILL forget things and they WILL be important things sometimes. ..write them down….BUT try to remember where!

Until next time…
BE BOLD, BE BLESSED, BE BEAUTIFUL

Relationship Reflections

Here lately I have found myself thinking a lot about my relationships; with my daughter, my husband, my sister, my mother, my father, my family, my friends, co-workers and acquaintances. I have been asking myself what kind of relationship vibe I am exuding. Am I distant? Overbearing? Permissive? Oppressive? Negative? Cooperative? Am I all in to that relationship in that moment and time? Do I expect my friends to do something for me that I would not do for them, or will I give as much of myself as I expect them to give to me?

In my  marriage  I have had to be diligent in learning my husbands love language. If I don’t I will constantly feel that he does love me as much as the lady’s husband across the street, at the church, at my job or on Facebook does. I have had to block out the noise of other peoples relationships and focus solely on mine. I remind myself that I do not know the actual status of their relationship, nor may I be ready willing or able to deal with the things they have to deal with in their relationship. Granted the ones that “look” happy may be truly happy, but is that happiness coming at price that I cannot or will not pay? I think that is a good way of looking at it.

That and the fact that whenever I will see the seeds of jealousy creeping in and I begin to question why he hasn’t bought me flowers or wrote me a poem or the many other million things I can think of I STOP and instantly think of all the Good things he HAS done and how he constantly tries to show his love and NOT just say it. THAT act requires me to be in the moment, to think on the good things and smile.
I found that this approach works with my relationship with God. When I begin to mumble murmur and complain (as I often do) I have to literally tell myself to STOP and marvel at His goodness and what He has already done. When my flesh wants to fight that I have to bring the scriptures that I have hidden in my heart up and go into worship mode. Because God is way to good to me for me to question His every move in my life all the time.

I have been trying to also use this strategies in my other relationship, some it works in and others not so much, as I can’t seem to find one thing good they have done. Then it is at this moment that I must question that relationship and how I will deal with it going forward. There are many work, church and family relationships that I have had to just give to God completely and allow Him to heal me from the pain that has been inflicted on both parties. I am grateful that He is yet working on my and through me with these relationships and while they are taking longer than I would like to heal I know that there is a lesson and a blessing in the going through. All in all I am very blessed, EVEN with the handful of people I can call my friend safely.

Until we meet again…

Be Blessed, Be Bold, Be Beautiful…

Speaking the truth in love.

One thing I have found out in my discussion/ debates/ question with others about sensitive/hot button issues is this; the truth is not painful, but the way in which you present the truth can be. Speaking the truth in love can help others to see the error of their ways. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that a gentle/soft tongue can turn away wrath but grievous words stir up anger. I have personally found this to be true. Not that I sugarcoat anything. That is not my style, but I do gauge my audience so that I can know who I am speaking too, and in what way the truth should be delivered. I have found that a simple mental check and understanding of where they are makes a huge difference. So while you may be speaking the truth, if not done in the correct way, it STILL can be a hindrance and/or fall on deaf ears. Maybe that’s why they haven’t listened? The problem is not with the truth the problem may be in the way in which and the person from which it was delivered.

People are not often upset that you told them the truth, they are more often upset about HOW you told them. Did you do it in an accusing manner? Were you malicious in your delivery? Judgmental? Condescending? Or just plain ole rude? Maybe you should try softening it up a bit and looking at it from the other persons perspective. We too often fail to put ourselves in the other persons shoes. What sets us apart from the other person is one decision, one moment, one wrong turn. We are no better than the person we are trying to “help”.

Remembering the past.

It’s hard sometimes to remember the past.  If it wasn’t all butterflies and roses we often file that part of our life into the control alt delete section. However,  more than we care to admit the past controls us. It creeps into closest with skeleton keys and skulls. It makes grande entrances at the most inopportune times, kills the melodies in our heads with small talk of who we once were and pimp slaps us back into reality. We are tainted. Nothing. No better than our parents, siblings, family or fears. If we don’t objectively look at the past we will unconsciously do, say or be the thing we fear most. Unchanged.  In order to understand ourselves and our family we have to take a close look at the themes that continue to play out in each generation. Some are good like instilling family pride, good work ethics, money management skills or an entrepreneurial spirit; others are destructive like the way you put you kids down, negative family or self talk. These traits are sometimes learned behaviors and we all too often don’t realize it. We go through life never investigating our past beyond our family tree. We choose not to look for behavioral traits mistakenly thinking that we are just the way we are just because. I really believe that we are connected to our ancestors in a more concrete way. As hard as it is for me to take a look back, I must.  In order to truly move forward,  to let go of the negatives of and in my life and history I have to know what they are, how they make me and hinder me. I have to do the work. Confront my past, to enjoy my present gifts and walk firmly into my future.
Not sure what I will uncover but I’m ready for the ride, plus my closet needs cleaning.

Life.

Life has an uncanny way of making you prioritize. It pulls out the compartments of yourself you’ve kep tightly wrapped and exposes you. This can either make you bitter or better. A call, a word, a moment,  a situation can change your life forever;  and you’re left wondering what have I done that is important up to now. These moments solidify the fact that no one is responsible for your happiness but you. You can either tuck tail and run or you can find strength in what you are going through.  I’m there. The crossroad, the fork in the road. What do I choose?…. The road less traveled( the narrow way) or do I get on the same crowded highway that I’ve been using for far too long?…. sink or swim…flight or fight?….Me?…..I’m ready for battle and my armor is waterproof.
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Stealing some time….

This is the first time in a while that I have been able to steal some time to myself at this time of night. It feels lovely.  One would think that I would be writing a prolific piece of poetry.  Problem with that train of thought would be the fact that I haven’t had the desire to write a poem in a long time.  Yes I still love it, but I have allowed busyness to stifle the writer in me. I am surprised that I am even writing this blog. Prayerfully it will spark the poet/writer/author in me to begin anew. As I reflect on today I am grateful for all of the things in my life; the good, the bad, the ugly and the downright ratchet. Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair, but it hasn’t been a prison either. I have my family under one roof tonight and that brings joy to my heart. I was reminded today by my daughter that life is not a sprint, but a journey replete with ups, downs, hills, mountains, valleys, good and bad. There is beauty all around if we would just stop and savor the glory of God’s creation. It would do us well to look at the signs as well. Sometimes life throws us curve balls that are meant to stop us in our tracks. Make us sit still and listen. I’ve had several of those.  I was put on bed rest a month before my due date (didn’t rest or rejuvenate), I haven’t gotten much rest since the baby has been here. Today I realized that I wouldn’t be able to go back to school as planned. I almost got upset and then the Holy Spirit whispered that God was giving me another chance to sit still, listen, savor the moment and make memories to find my way back to him, back to me.
THAT I can deal with.
Good night.

Getting it together… dreams and visions.

I went grocery shopping today for the first time in a long time. I dropped the prince off at his grandparents and went alone. It was hard for me to drop him off, because the daytime is our time. I will really miss that time when I go back to work, but I have to get it together. Unfortunately I am unable to not go back to work right now, but I am working on that situation. While in the store I talked to my baby girl about dreams and visions…. about the work it takes to get what you want. We talked about not being complacent, but pushing, doing, working until you get there. We both agreed that we are nowhere near where we thought we would be, but we are also far from where we were. There is work to be done, dreams deferred that need to be achieved. We talked about the fact that I wasn’t able to give her all I wanted to give her as a child. That I now have another child and I wonder if I will be able to give him all I want to give him. We discussed the fact that we have a family unit. That WE together can give him what he needs. I am not an island. I have a village. I am supposed to be resting, but I can’t. There is so much to do, so much on my mind, so much I want to say and can’t seem to find the correct way to express it. This week I asked a couple of people in my life what they thought I was good at, what they would think my passion would be. So far I have gotten writer, poet, leadership, counseling young girls and speaker. Funny no one said teacher. Coincidence?… No. I think not.  I have been trying to get out of the classroom for the longest. I like the kids and the interaction, but I much more prefer to work with the adults or older children in a capacity that is not a conventional education setting.  Man I went off on a tangent. Let me get back to what this post is about. DREAMS AND VISIONS…. a LONG time ago. Well what seems like a long time ago. God gave me a distinct vision of myself. It was wonderful and it FELT like I was there I felt as if I had to be pushed back into this realm. I asked 2 ladies that had the same DREAM and VISION of me if they remembered it. Now mind you these ladies were not my close friends or family, I had not told anyone the vision and they had the exact same vision from different vantage points, but it was the SAME one. They both remembered and both hoped it was coming to pass. Sadly it is not, and I cannot fully SEE the vision anymore. I wanted to know that I wasn’t crazy, that I hadn’t made it up and that God had placed that vision in them just  as He had placed it in me. I want to SEE the vision again I want to believe again, to live again, to breathe again, to KNOW again. I want to find my purpose in this great big cosmos. I KNOW there is more than this. I KNOW. I instill that in my children. BE MORE, DO MORE, LOVE MORE, don’t settle, do the work. However, somewhere along the line i have forgotten that truth for myself, for my family, for my marriage. So I find myself seeking once again. Seeking Him again, laying open, sacrificed at the cross, crying out. MORE!!!!!  MORE of HIM, MORE for my family, for the World. MORE! I am at a point in my life that fulfillment is like breathing. I can’t continue to just exist. LiVE I must. God compels me to. I just have to Listen MORE, be still MORE, seek Him MORE.. so that I can know what MORE He wants me to do for Him. In the meantime I am am seeking the giver of the Dream. the one that will Bring the VISION to pass. If I can just get less of ME and more of HIM I know that the DREAM and VISION will surface. So back to the Alter I go.

Baby sleep woes, among other things.

My precious little cutie has decided not to sleep for long stretches of time during the day.  This has of course wrecked havoc on my ability to get anything done. I know, I know…. I have a newborn(when do they stop being new)…so I need as much rest as possible.  Well with my husband at work and my daughter at large…that is hard to do when I need to eat, bathe and keep my sanity. On a better not…Jaxson is finally allowing his daddy some “they” time and I love it. It’s great to see them bond and it’s even better to steal some “me” time. This journey has been awesome,  tiring at times but so far so good. This little guy has been a Godsend and his presence was much needed. I promise that I will get better at this as the year progresses…
Until next time…
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