Man.what a whirlwind couple of days. Jaxson haven’t felt so good neither has his mom and dad. christmas came and gone. We were only able to visit my dady (long story). Jaxson has been pretty fussy and we are not sure what it is. He is very congested and gassy. He is better during the day than at night. But once he is down to sleep he will sleep a long time. We are having a time trying to get him to sit in his carseat or swing or bouncer. Pretty much ANYTHING that he has to lay back in. He screams and cries like we are killing him. Lack of sleep is taking a toll on me and daddy. Especially me. Daddy is sick now and can barely help, but he will do what he can. I am frazzled but when I see him smile it is all worth it. I will leave you with some Christmas pictures and a promise to do better.
Unil next time.
Only missing my baby girl.
Last night I made an impulse purchase of The Alchemist. I am not sure how the thought popped into my head. Maybe I saw it on tv. I do know that I had been romancing the idea of reading it since I heard of it years ago at a poetry reading. Never got around to it due to school, work and life. Just reading the forward sparked immense interest and feelings I haven’t had in a long time. I have ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS wanted to travel, to see the world the people in it, experience other cultures. I have always been sensitive to the needs and thoughts of others and knew that what I would become one day lied in those gifts. But somewhere I forgot those gifts that made me uniquely me. Life stepped in and I forgot my desires. I don’t like redundancy, but maturity, bills, responsibility required that I work and all the work I could “find” was redundant. So I worked. And died a little more inside everyday. But The Alchemist.
In the back of my mind I always knew that I was depriving my family of my full self by not living my personal legend, my dream, my calling. I can no longer do that. I cannot deny my husband the pleasure of seeing a wife immensely happy and loving, I cannot deny my daughter the pleasure of seeing her mother thriving and giving and I cannot deny my son the pleasure of only knowing that mother. I can no longer shrink back from being me out of fear of failure or success. I love them too much and I truly believe that in allowing myself to grow, to believe, to thrive; it will give them permission to do the same. If nothing else, I am excited about the possibilities that await. A renewing that is to come. I cant wait to see what opens up before me and my family. All things happen for a reason. Even a simple purchase of a book.
To God be the glory!
Off to more reading…
Reading it to Jaxson too.
Until next time. ..
I constantly have to remind myself that I am only 4 weeks post partum and no one expects me to be up and running a marathon. With the undue expectations I put on myself I think I have over done it just a bit. My back hurts to high heaven…I have a pain on the left side of my c-section incision part of my right thigh is STILL numb and hurts at the same time and to top it all off I had to let go of my dream of breastfeeding (still holding out hope though). With ALL that being said I am extremely grateful for the strength I do have. ..both mentally and physically. GOD indeed is a keeper. Its been more than a couple of times that I thought I would lose my mind. This entire experience has taken a LOT out of me. Mentally, physically and spiritually. I have had to examine and reexamine my expectations of people and myself. I have felt neglected by my church family and actual family and had to come to grips with my bitterness towards both. I have fretted over going back to a job I am not too fond of. Financial worries…not feeling adequate enough, not being able to write or sing or get out long enough to enjoy a simple walk has taken a toll on my psyche. But God. When I let go (fully) of the need to know, the need to control, the comparison trap I WILL be ready to receive all God has for me. It is a process but I am more than willing to leave those things on the alter and experience a new level of intimacy with Christ a newness in my family life and other relationships. It’s time. I’ve put way too many things on my shoulders when God Has told me too cast my cares on Him. The change will not be easy but when I look at my family I know its worth it and its time. I owe it to God and them to start fully walking in ALL that He has called me to be without reservations and start accepting the possibilities and the fact that I am worthy.
It has been another couple of days since I posted here… this is SUPPOSED to be a once a day blog. But I am busy…as you can imagine. Since I missed Saturday, Sunday and Monday I will post a recap. Saturday my Eldest Sister came by to visit. We went out on what was supposed to be a shopping trip. Well we were only able to go to one store..we had to cut our trip short..and Jaxson and I went back home…. Monday when we got out it was pretty much the same thing…. we went to Walmart horrible lines and horrible customer service led us to leave…..which means that an entire basket of food was left in an aisle. Jaxson did NOT like all the stimulation. Yes I know we will have to work on his ability to stay out for longer than an hour or two. Fast forward to 9 last night when Jaxson started to scream and did not let up until almost 11 pm. Usually I am able to console him.. but last night he was having none of that. Daddy steps in and does an awesome job of consoling him. He was calm and tender and talking in a sure quiet voice that lulled me to sleep. I do believe that there was a breakthrough for father and son. They will both be fine when I go back to work. We will keep working on the outings until he gets used to them…by the way… he doesn’t like being in the stroller, the swing or the bouncer…yeah…we are working on that too…
Let’s just say he has a particular personality. ..and he likes what he likes… right now that is momma….and I think he likes daddy too now.
I missed a couple of days posting because Jaxson was extra cranky. We had 2 days filled with crying and virtually no sleep for mommy or baby. He still has a LOT of congestion but its starting to break up. He was having issues with gas and not being able to go poop. Poor little tink tink had too much going on. Took him to the Dr. he got a clean bill of health, but I bought new bottles and MAN it has made a huge difference. I am still not giving up completely on breastfeeding but its getting harder to get milk out. Baby is growing just fine on formula but mommy is still fighting feelings of failure. Pray for me.
Until next time.
Over the last few days I have been intensely watching my son and waiting on a text or something from my daughter. Jaxson is very advanced for his tender age of three weeks, even the Dr. and both grandmothers have commented on it. Since he has been here he has been moving his head to either side when you hold him up on your shoulder (he say he GOT to be able to breathe). Starting last week he began lifting his head up and trying to stand on his legs when you hold him up. He has been trying to “talk” to you since then too. He is very attentive and watches your mouth as you talk. He recently decided that he didn’t like sleeping on his back so he turns to his side. And I guess he doesn’t like that either because I found him laying on his stomach twice head to the side mouth open snoring. I believe I have a Mensa worthy baby on my hands and I will start exploring more ways to stimulate him. We already read his books. Now if he can just master going to the bathroom without all the grunts and drama we would be great! …. asking too much?….ok.
Until next time.
So I decided to go out last night. It’s been a while since I gone out and I was beginning to feel shut in. Baby has been particularly clingy to me but we thought nothing of it. Less than an hour into my outing baby woke up and would not stop crying. So reluctantly daddy called me and I came home. By the time I got home daddy had done an awesome job of getting him to calm down. But little did I know that last night was just the beginning of our woes. Jaxson has been particularly gassy and fussy, not sleeping, not feeding well for the past couple of days. And I haven’t been able to get much sleep. Tomorrow we go to the DR to figure it all out. Prayers are needed.
We have survived a 5 day ice storm with power and today the power goes out. Baby boy is sleeping through it without a care in the world. Im trying to figure out if I should turn of the breakers to everything or chance a power surge. I am getting cold and hungry. ..and he has taken over my spot in the bed and I dont want to move him… but I think a nap would do us both good until power is restored. Oh to be young and carefree.
Yesterday I bought a swing from one of my neighbors. I figured it would make my life a little easier. Baby LOVES momma and momma gets NO rest. Daddy has braved the weather all weekend and hasn’t gotten any rest so we needed some help. I brought the swing in the house confident that Jaxson would love it…. boy was I WRONG! …He screamed and hollered like I was punishing him so I took him out… he won THAT battle. BUT momma is determined to win the war!
Fast forward to the morning… I fed him, swaddled him, loved on him and placed him in the swing… and what do you know.. baby Jax was soon in sleep NIRVANA! ….and momma was able to eat!….so the score thus far is…. Jaxson 1 momma 1…. who will win the next one? Only time will tell.
Last night I seriously needed sleep…my husband needed sleep and baby boy was fighting the sleep he needed…big sister came to my rescue. Although he gave her the blues she let me have 2 hours worth of solid sleep. Overjoyed.